20 June 2023
This morning a memory from 7 years ago on this day popped up on socials. It reminded me just how far I have come, and also prompted me to share what the Winter Solstice means for me.
We are in deep winter, the darkest part of the year. Tomorrow, on the 21st June we in the southern hemisphere will mark the Winter solstice.
Traditionally throughout many cultures of the world this is a time of acknowledging what has been, a time to retreat from the outside world and it’s summertime pursuits of fun and social distractions, and let the cool weather drive us inwards towards our own souls.
This is a time to sit by the fire of your soul and to examine everything
What experiences, good or bad have you had up till now? It’s time to reflect and observe the outcomes of your belief systems and actions. This is a time to burn what no longer serves you, so that you can use the ash to fertilise the soil and nourish all that you wish to manifest in the future.
I thought I would die
There was time when I thought that the encroaching darkness would overcome me. In June 2016, just 7 years ago, I battled with such severe health problems and loss that I thought the tiny flame that burned within me would be snuffed out. I thought I would die.
10 years of severe illness
What you may not know about me is that I had a very severe and chronic illness for ten years. I experienced many debilitating symptoms. I was mostly bed bound, at times in a wheelchair or using a walking frame. I struggled with such severe muscle weakness and tremors that I couldn’t walk or stand properly at times. I struggled to hold a pencil or to type or lift a cup of tea.
I slurred my words and struggled to speak properly. I couldn’t have a phone conversation because I had such severe brain fog that I couldn’t follow what was being said at the same time as trying to formulate a response. I had such severe brain issues that I completely forgot where I lived, my daughters name, etc which was very scary.
I struggled to do basic things like cook, put on laundry, order food. I was in excruciating pain all the time and so depleted and fatigued I needed to sleep most of each day. I had many diagnosis. Chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, lyme disease, dementia, ms, potts, bels palsy were just a few.
Last gasp
I had spent so much money on different tests, different specialists, different medication, but I continued to get sicker and sicker. In fact I was on over 42 tablets a day. Heart medication for my heart palpitations, two types of different antibiotics that crossed the blood brain barrier twice a day, anxiety meds, antidepressants and lots of other things.
I had a holistic Dr who advised me to become gluten, dairy, egg, corn, rice free and gave me loads of herbal tinctures and supplements and I only ate organic, yet I was still dying. I became so ill that my lungs were collapsing and I was put onto a cpap machine to breathe, even during the day.
During this time my doctor discovered high levels of toxic black mold in my blood. She told me that this proved my house was contaminated and if I didn’t move out my house I would die.
Losing my home to the death star
My husband did not want to hear this news. No one wants to hear that you have to lose your home and all your possessions. I intuited the mold was in the bathroom because everytime I went in there I felt so much weaker and dizzy.
He set out to prove the Dr was wrong and smashed open the bathroom wall with a crowbar and discovered ‘the death star’, a mold colony so large that it stretched several metres inside the bathroom wall, completely invisible from the outside.
Living in a caravan
We went straight out and bought a caravan, me severely ill and my 3 year old toddler and 6 yr old son and husband moved into it in our muddy driveway in the middle of the freezing Melbourne winter.
We began the difficult process of sifting through our possessions. We washed whatever small items could be washed with tea tree oil and stored them in the shed. We sold a few things in garage sale. All our furniture and everything else we gave away. Over 60 boxes went to the salvos who came and took it in a truck.
My husband smashed the house down, back to bare wood frame upstairs and began rebuilding it at night after work single handedly over the next 5 years with the help of a retired builder for a month or so one day a week.
After the caravan we all moved into one room. As he would rebuild a room we would have access to it. We had no insurance, it had lapsed just a week before the event.
The hardest time of my life
I was still in so much pain but being away from the mold did help me. I later learnt that mold was just a fuel for a systemic virus that I had which was the cause of my issues. This is just a small part of the story.
Sexual abuse at the rotting core
I uncovered severe childhood sexual abuse as a root cause for my collapse.
Death and Rebirth
The darkness was so profound. So all encompassing. It was hard to navigate a way out of it. And yet now I understand this moment to be a profound moment of death and rebirth.
The old me literally died and through this process of self examination, reflection and soul searching I was able to transform.
Gratitude for the darkness
When I look back on this whole experience I am now profoundly grateful for it. I understand now that through losing everything, my home, my speech, my ability to walk, to think, my job everything I was able to reset. I was able to reinvent myself and that is an incredible gift.
I found my way to begin healing through the incredible work of Anthony William, medical medium and began applying his protocols from spirit of compassion.
I was drawn to using my art as a means of cathartic release and energy healing to deal with the abuse. I became an energy healer and later started teaching people the medical medium protocols. Now I am a spiritual coach and I teach people how to overcome trauma and rebuild their self worth.
I can honestly say that even though I prayed to die several times because of the pain and actually had three different suicide plans I can now look back on this experience as one of the most valuable in my life. It has truly transformed me and allowed me to create a life I could only have dreamed of.
You can’t ignore the darkness
Don’t let anyone tell you that all you need to do is focus on the light in order to heal. I can personally testify that all that allows to happen is for the darkness to grow and to engulf you and to threaten to snuff out your light.
The winter solstice is a time to acknowledge the darkness
This means it’s time to go within and to soul search. Through this we are able to let go of what needs to change and to move towards the light once again.
There is a saying ‘It’s always darkest before the dawn’. Often as souls it’s through periods of great trauma that we grow most.
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If you'd like some more hot tips for me, the Flamekeeper, to heal trauma and rebuild self worth,
xxx Nicoleen
Nicoleen Agnello is the Flamekeeper, Guardian of love and light of the Universal Spirit. She is a divinely gifted spiritual coach whose purpose is to guide and support you in rising from the ashes of trauma and low self worth to be reborn. Nicoleen offers personal one on one coaching through her transformative Phoenix Program. She is an energy healer who practices medical astronomy (also known as the reconnection) for healing and offers health consultations through the medical medium protocol. She is a professional artist who uses her clairvoyance to create highly spiritual art for sale. Nicoleen offers private healings, personal coaching and consultations by appointment through www.theflamekeeper.com.au
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