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Writer's pictureNicoleen Agnello
May 23, 20236 min read

Love letter to all you beautiful abandoned children

23 May 2023


Mothers are meant to be the one being who can love us unconditionally.

Mothers day was a just over a week ago but every time I turn on social media it’s still clogged with memes telling us just how wonderful mothers are.


We are told that no matter what and no matter who you are your mother loves you. The connection between a mother and her child can never be broken and she will love you your whole life. She is the one person who will always be there for you, who will always fight in your corner and who will always see the good in you.


What happens if you don’t have a loving relationship with your mother?

Today I want to challenge that picture perfect idea of what a mother is, and show a different side of the story.



I want to give a voice to the hurt, scared little girl inside of me. The little one who couldn’t speak up and whose rights were constantly violated. I want to let her speak about what she endured as a child, at the hands of the very being that was most expected to give her love and support.


Perhaps Mothers day comes with it’s own challenges for you.
Not everyone has a good start in life.

We are told no one in your life will ever love you as your mother does. There is no love as pure, unconditional, and strong as a mothers love.


We are told this. And yet this isn’t true for all children.


Many children grow up experiencing abuse from their mother.

Many children are taught that in order to get their basic needs met they must tip toe around, not take up too much space, not have an opinion.


Many children learn that the world is a dangerous place and the most unsafe person to be around is the person they cannot leave behind because their abuser is in their own home.


There is nowhere safe to turn to be comforted when you are hurt. Nowhere to go for a comforting hug when the world seems dark. Nobody who will hear you when you cry and kiss your forehead when the world seems unjust.


I am sorry that so many of us have had to live through narcisstic abuse.

When you see the photos of family gatherings and hear about loving family relationships from friends it’s natural to feel even more keenly the gaping hole in your own heart.


Today I want you to know that you are not a failure.

When a child doesn’t receive love from its parent it doesn’t stop loving the parent, it stops loving itself.

This is true for me. I believed that there must be something wrong with me because I didn’t experience love and support and so I must be unlovable. The fault must be with me, there must be something wrong with me.


I turned to trying to prove my worth, to earn love. If I could just get another ‘A’ on that assignment than maybe I would be seen. No. Nothing I did mattered. I would never be good enough.


When my first real boyfriend left me, instead of comforting me while I was crying, my mother came into my room and told me ‘You were never good enough for him. I’m not surprised he left you.’


Can you relate to this too?


Can you imagine who we could have become if instead of living with our worst abuser we had the unconditional love of a mother?

My childhood home was a dark festering cold war zone.

Anything I did was fuel for the fire of disdain.


As a little child I was left alone most of the time. I was physically neglected, not given enough to eat, my nails uncut and hair so knotted that you couldn’t get a brush through it at all.


As small as four, it was my responsability to forage for two cent pieces in my fathers cupboard if I was hungry, and then walk the dangerous track along the train lines to the supermarket for bread.


Did you experience emotional neglect from your carer?

Possibly they took themselves off to their room and shut the door on you like I experienced. Perhaps even when they were in the same room as you they were unapproachable. You couldn’t have a conversation with them, or engage them in an activity. It’s like you simply weren’t there.


I never received hugs or emotional comfort. When I had my own children I had to fight through the fear of physical closeness with them and initially had to force myself to hug them because it didn’t come naturally.


It has been scientifically proven that when a child does not receive touch it not only affects them emotionally but also physically.


When you are hugged, your brain releases oxytocin, making you feel good, and lowering anxiety and fear. Human touch helps regulate sleep and digestion, build your immune system, and fight infections. When you don’t get enough physical touch, you can become stressed, anxious, or depressed and cortisol is released raising your heart rate and blood pressure, and leaving your immune system exposed to higher risk of illness.


Dear Abandoned and neglected sons and daughters


The little ones who played alone in dark corners for hours

To the ones who were never held

For those who were overlooked or ignored

I see you

I know what you have been through

I know how hard it is to smile and pretend that everything is ok

I want you to know that you can heal

You are worthy of love

You matter


The fact that your mother was not able to give you love is not your fault.

It is not because you were not worthy of receiving it, but because her own unresolved traumas were in the way of allowing her to express it.


When we go through trauma and abuse we learn that the most important person in the room is our abuser.

We become hypervigilant to their energy. So much so that we lose our own boundary, We don’t know where they begin and we end.


This is because we know that our survival depends on their mood. We learn to read their body language. Are they in a bad mood, are they irritable, what we do we need to do to pacify them?


In doing this we abandon our own energy.

We put others needs above or own.


I have done a lot of personal healing in this area, but I still need reminders and maybe you do too.


This mothers day I received a beautiful card from my daughter.

‘Dear mum, thank you for looking after me, Isaac, Dad, Sasha and all your clients! But there’s something missing in my last sentence…yourself! Please take some time off for yourself!’


In this short video I share with you about healing the mother wound and judgement.


 
 

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xxx Nicoleen






Nicoleen Agnello is the Flamekeeper, Guardian of love and light of the Universal Spirit. She is a divinely gifted spiritual coach whose purpose is to guide and support you in rising from the ashes of trauma and low self worth to be reborn. Nicoleen offers personal one on one coaching through her transformative Phoenix Program. She is an energy healer who practices medical astronomy (also known as the reconnection) for healing and offers health consultations through the medical medium protocol. She is a professional artist who uses her clairvoyance to create highly spiritual art for sale. Nicoleen offers private healings, personal coaching and consultations by appointment through www.theflamekeeper.com.au


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